Sunday 18 July 2010

These Things That I've Done

Oh yeah thats right I never did anything.

You go through life trying to be a good person. You make friends and you try to be nice to them. Be supportive, be flexible, be accomodating, be yourself. I have never been anything but loyal. Three times this year that has been taken for granted and I've had my good nature ridden over roughshod.
Anyone who knows me knows that I don't suffer fools. They also know that I do not let people walk over me or people I care about. Why then have I let people abuse me like this?
In the first instance I was too involved too quickly. I thought it was great - what could be more fun than a friend who seems to get you and want to spend time with you? It is a nice feeling to make a new friend in such a quick and seamless way. Smooth sailing. But of course it came all of a sudden that it was self-serving. It hurt me a lot and I was upset and I cried and I could not understand why I would be treated like that. I never received an apology - in fact, the whole painful issue was swept over as though meaningless and that was the most horrible part, as long as i was speaking then my feelings were irrelevant.
So I said I would learn and to an extent I did, inasmuch as I learned for how to make a cushion around me when such happened. I was used completely this time, a passing fancy of a skin deep window shopper. I was taken in completely and emmersed in while it was right, when the window of opportunity remained. Then, suddenly I wasn't quite the scene. I wasn't moving fast enough. What I represent had gone full circle in terms of "coolness" as it does so often while the other fashion victims catch the trend. But then i was not dropped so sudden, I was held as a back up and used as a facilitator until enough new rope had been accumulated and it was safe to jump ship. With this I wasn't bothered. I thought oh well people drift in and out of lives no point trying to pursue it. I thought I wasn't as involved having learnt from before and demanded of myself I would not be hurt by it. And I wasn't. But I was used and I grew angry and as of yet I have not had my way to revenge my feeling on this individual but mark my words it is coming. A metaphorical ticking time bomb exists and be it she is ignoring it or she has forgotten it will approach oh so quickly and she will have to react to me and take exactly what she needs to know in exchange.
The third came of a sudden after a long peaceful time. My best friend, my life long, the one I would never expect to lose. How dare she? how could she be so hurtful, so self-centred, so much, dare I say, a bully? As is always the case these events need time and they need reason and this shall be allowed for, I would hate to be considered rash. But this is the end. This is it and there is no going back. As Stuart said, she needs to take a good look at herself. It is going to rain down and she wont know what hit her. It will not be pleasant, it will not be business like and it will veer from civil in places. That is not my choice, that is my prerogative.
Three times this year I have been used and walked all over. I have been ditched, I have been ashamed and I have been laid-into in the most arrogant and self righteous manner and I have taken it in good humour. I will not apologise even once more for something I did not do. I will not accept a verbal beating by accepting someone else has flown off the handle. You fly off the handle then expect to be shot down, no-one will speak to me like that. To them, do you know who I am? Do you know what I have done? You average, moronic useless beings, destined for mediocrity. I will laugh at them soon and bridges they never knew existed will be burnt. For the first two, their times will come, for the third, and final, she will have it now and never know it again. You have lost it all, everything, and it is all that you deserve.

From here on in I devote myself 100% to the only two things that matter and I will never again make the mistake of letting myself be taken for a fool.

Note: no reference in this refers to physical violence in any way shape or form. It is metaphorical.

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