Sunday, 27 November 2011

the things that happen, autumn '11


Stuart turned thirty on 6th October and we had a house party involving giant gold 3 and 0 balloons as well as a lot of cake which never got eaten!

Then it was my birthday on 3rd November, we went to xscape and Jamie won a whole load of tickets on the arcade games which we pooled and I bought prizes to share with people.

The cats have been as playful as ever.

Many hats and scarves have ascended from their shoe boxes on the floor of our wardrobe back into circulation as the weather gets, well... wetter, if not colder.

Yesterday we went to the Fort where the coca-cola truck was visiting and they were playing "Holidays are Coming...!" which was fun despite the insane rain.
This evening the skinny moon said hello. I love winter!

Saturday, 26 November 2011

change

I'm going to be changing this blog a bit soon. It seems that all the words have fallen out of me. I used them all up writing a masters dissertation and with a PhD thesis to come they will be a scarcity. I started this blog because I used to write things, especially when there was no-one to tell them to. Now I have all the listening I could ask for and though I harked for the past in the form of this blog, I find I am forcing myself to be in some way poetic. I don't want to be false. Yet I don't want this blog to go to waste. I post a lot on tumblr which I love and many people comment on it's ability to keep those at a distance close to my life. I sometimes say it enables friendships where nobody gets hurt and that is true though it sounds a bit ruthless. Sometimes though, the things I post get lost in the mess and sometimes these things mean little to my life. I'm trying to lay myself out on a page for anyone who wants in and as words will no longer deliver alternative means will have to hold out in the form of images. I'll post soon.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Oftentimes it surprises me how few people you can rely on. I'm never disappointed in that reality. People love to tell you how they are 'there for you' but that only applies when it matches their own wants. Doesn't it feel good to see a friend struggling and be able to say "I'm here if you need me"? Doesn't it make you feel like a noble and magnanimous person? How often do you ask them if they need you though? How often do you take the time to contact them and say that you've not heard from them in a while, and that you are interested in how they are. Good, bad or otherwise. Not often I'm betting.

I get it, there are important things in life and there are things central to your being which you need to dedicate time to. I understand, I have the same thing. People spread themselves too thin nowadays. Friends doesn't mean anything, it's a worthless title. And the last time you went through something awful, it took for you to show this to another before you got support.

People love to be there for you and they love to portray themselves as a shoulder to cry on but that's only one part of it. How can you have a relationship with someone if they will never contact you? I don't run after people anymore, I stopped that a long time ago now. It's apparent that there are few people in life who you can actually rely on noticing if you need help or not without you having to ask for it; the last thing you'll want to do is ask for it. I can count on one hand the number of people outside my family who I would rely on.

To those I can rely on, thank you. Thanks for actually taking the time to ask, you are a tiny minority of those that I know and I truly am grateful to know you. You'll know if you are one of these people because you'll have initiated talking to me, and me to you.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

image

Have you ever considered the extent to which you are based purely on the image you wish to protray? That you do things based on what you think other people will view you as? Do you do things because you want to - things that you like - or because these things will characterise you in a way which you want others to see you?

I've been thinking about this quite a lot lately. I've been trying very hard to be myself, the core essence of my personality as shaped by my physiological nature and the imprint life has made on me thus far. When I was younger I would make all decisions based upon how these things would make me seem to my counterparts and it pretty much made my life troublesome and myself a conflicted shell of who I should have been. I've been working towards dropping this continual need to be viewed well as I have continued my life and though I will never be able to say I am truly unaltered by the perspectives of other people - as, let's face it, that would be unworkable and less than admirable - I believe I am currently far more honest with my character than most.

Last year was a turning point where I met a girl who I thought was individual, unique and interesting. She seemed to have very clear ideas about who she was, what she wanted to look and act like and what she did and did not like. At first this was refreshing and encouraging but it became quite quickly obvious that her own insecurities were shaping how she acted, and that she was a very restricted person. It's obvious with hindsight but in many instances people have a great knack for turning a lack of character into a very convincing fa├žade. Needless to say it doesn't take much time to get beneath the outer layer and see the conflict within. It turns out that I am no longer friends with this girl as I didn't embody an image close enough to her own in order for her to be seen with me. That's a shame.

It's tough being yourself, it's not mean to be, but it is. Recently I've been trying to align my mind and my actions as closely as possible without being hurtful. I think that is a good barometer for sensible day to day life. For example, the other day at work I told everyone that I wasn't a people person, that I don't tend to get along well with others. I told my friend that I think that most people in the world are stupid. I criticised mainstream television programmes I find futile and moronic in front of people who I knew possibly watched them. You might think this pointlessly antagonistic and sometimes I would agree with you. But that in itself is a trend of society brought about directly by the inability of people to act like themselves in public. It is polite to go to your hairdresser and respond to the question, "Do you watch the X Factor" by saying "No, I've never caught it". It is not polite to say "No I find this programmes to be irritating and the content at very best mediocre", but you know what, it is truthful. I suppose the happy medium is to say, "No, I don't like pop music, nor do I like reality/competition television programmes". Either way, you run the risk of being thought either rude or elitist. Why can't you just be thought of as having one of a plurality of views on the subject? Why can't we just accept that not everyone likes the same thing.

It's so tempting to be so brutally and honestly myself that I say everything I think. Being truthful is so enjoyable and refreshing that it is hard not to get carried away. On the whole so far I have found positive results, more people describe me as original, or odd "in a good way". Most people find it endearing, and why not? How often do you really get to see right inside a person, to witness the functioning of their true character on a day-to-day basis. Let me tell you this, normality, fence-sitting and inoffensive middle-of-the-roadness are not appealing qualities in the slightest, they are boring. Hey, if you don't get a positive response at least you will get one.

The point is that this has caused me to constantly be thinking of why people are doing things or why people like things. More and more I see people doing things that everyone else does. Why? Surely with all the different types of people in the world, the multitudes of different traits and talents, then people should like different things? Surely some people are going to stand out and dislike things? Is it just that I am abnormal, or unique? I'd love to flatter myself but I doubt I am all that original. It seems more likely that people do the same things because they are too timid to not follow the trend if they think it pointless. I suppose for many it is easier to not put a skirt over those leggings than to explain why you think seeing the outline of someone else's crotch as specified by everyone else is ridiculous. I've been turning this analysis to myself now considering if I tend to do things in the opposite vein, turning my attentions to things off the beaten path because I detest to be associated with the masses. Honestly, I am sure that I do, and I am sure that I hate that this is the case. I know I find more ease liking things other people don't like than things they do. Despite this though I'll still like all these things that appeal to me, it's just how I feel about liking it in the first place that changes. I'm trying really hard to be myself right now and I'm going to keep doing that. So, in this spirit of honesty I've decided that I am going to start a Truthful Tuesday section of my tumblog where each week I outline one truth I would be less than inclined to reveal normally. To start this off I will go with a simple and honest one which is this: I don't think that Kurt Cobain was the incredible genius people beleive him to be. I think he was good at what he did and certainly relevent, but his work just doesn't strike me as on a par with other music legends which could be be named. This is personal - much like my Mum disliking Bob Dylan - it just doesn't get me in the way other music does.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Moving On

I've been working as an administrative assistant in an office at University for the past few months. It's a temporary position and finishes a week today. The girl who is going to be filling the vacancy permanently started today and shadowed me. It's really odd how much I'm going to miss it and more unusual still how I will miss them when I don't even really know why. I suppose it reveals a lot about me when I note that it's probably the camaraderie of being part of the team. And it is a team not just one forced upon people by situation. I've never worked anywhere where politics has featured less than there. Granted I've not worked in many offices before but I am led to believe it is a common scenario. I'm never part of a team. I'm the lone wolf. If you want something done right you smother yourself in all consuming loneliness and get it done better than you could even have imagined. It's incredibly hard to be included in much if you are willing to uphold honesty and good morals, especially if it involves a lot of social interaction. That's why I find it hard to be part of a group of friends. It always boils down to misunderstandings, lies and people getting hurt. It always results in winners and losers and the winners write the history. Staying away from that means I can write my own history, but it is altogether less action packed. The thing is, being part of a team in a professional capacity allows one to form friendships which are never taken too far, and in-jokes that never cut close to the bone, relationships you know won't falter, and trust which impinges on regulation. It's a sad state of affairs but for me friendship is 1% compatibility and 99% reliability, and that's why it never works out. So I'm going to miss seeing people at the times specified in an outlook calendar and I'm going to miss people noticing when I do something helpful or nice for them. Despite the clinical nature of my analysis I will miss these people because when it comes down to it they are decent and I enjoy their company. They are the kind of people who home bake a cake for your birthday and all of a sudden I don't really know why I would choose to give that up. In light of recent events I can't help but feel like moving on is stepping onto a ledge and it's a long way down if I fall after climbing this far.