Sunday 26 August 2012

Baby

Tomorrow my husband goes back to work after what has been pretty much three weeks off after the arrival of our son. Several times last week I got a bit hysterical imagining what it will be like without him to pass me the bottle of water I've left two centimetres out of reach as I feed sandy. Then I got even more hysterical imagining what it'll be like without him there to talk sense into me when I get hysterical about not being able to reach a bottle of water. So you know how that goes. 

It's true having a newborn baby to attend to is hard work. I don't know about how other people describe it but to me it is a long hard slog... A days hard work followed by an evening and a nights hard work and then straight back to the office. I realised this when he had been asleep for a little while and I started to do something and he stirred and it became clear I had to leave anything and everything else when he needed me, no discussion. You'd have thought I'd have known that but it was like slipping back to my old life for a bit in a dream. 

Things are finally settling a bit now as we hit the middle of week 4. Ok sandy is still unpredictable. In fact he sleeps less now than he did, and has less tolerance of time in his cot or basket or anywhere that isn't in his mum or dads arms, and his feeding is irregular and often. But I think it's me getting a handle on my hormones that has allowed things to seem better. I felt pretty disheveled most of the time at first and routinely terrified all of a sudden for no reason, then manically happy and positive an hour later. Now I feel the calmness you get when relaxing at home again. This is probably a lot down to managing to have a nap, make and eat dinner all in a row without him needing to feed. Funny how a couple of hours of being normal again makes you feel so much more yourself again. Plus our moby sling is a godsend, he falls asleep within an instant in it! 

I know stuart really doesn't want to return to work but I think it will be good for all of us in some ways. It will give him some time out of the incessant baby bubble where all thoughts revolve around every microscopic movement and noise this tiny human makes. It gives us some structure to the day too, stuarts return being something to work towards when it's heavy going. Basically I am feeling rather nervy about being alone with him all day on one hand but relishing the challenge on the other. I'm worried I'm not good enough for him, that I alone can't be trusted to care for something so tiny and precious and perfect. But I know that we are a team and we will manage as long as we work together, and as long as my sling is nearby! 

Being a mum is both the most alien and the most natural thing I've ever experienced. And this time the three of us has been simultaneously a feverish dream and a vivid perfect reality. I wouldn't change it for the world. He's my son, and it's hard to imagine I could love anything more than this.